Sunday, December 28, 2008

Hey Bristol, where's your baby?

When Bristol Palin's impending glorious event was revealed, her due date was estimated to be December 18-23. Ever since the Repub Natl Convention, she has pretty much been out of sight.

Amid all the controversy surrounding her teen pregnancy, I submit the following Top Ten Reasons Why Bristol's Baby is Purposefully Delaying His World Debut:

10. To give his daddy Levi Johnston time to earn more money working on the North Slope. Levi dropped out of high school in his senior year to earn some baby-having dough. Might as well let him earn the price of his forfeited high school diploma, too.

9. Before he knew he'd be a daddy, the non-condom-using Levi said he "didn't want babies", so why not gestate a little longer? A more fully mature infant might bypass the "baby" stage. Afterall, they grow up pretty fast in Wasilla. You bet'cha!

8. To give his mama Bristol a hard time. The baby's birth in December was supposed to clear her of any suspicion of secretly being Trig's mom. If the birth is in January/February, that issue will remain unresolved. *wink*

7. To make his birthday coincide with Bristol and Levi's wedding date, set for March 2009. Over the long run, combo celebrations will be much less expensive for his teen parents.

6. Grandmothers -- both of them! From what the fetus has overheard, they are both going to be lousy grandmas. Drugs versus aerial animal kills ... which is worse for the unblemished baby's soul?

5. He does not relish being born in the middle of an alaskan ice blizzard to a 17-yr old mom, 18-yr old dad, high school drop-out parents. What's the hurry? Talk about a Bridge to Nowhere!

4. The womb looks much safer than a collapsing world. He's in no hurry to confront global warming (climate change), species decline, economic disaster, and an earth where the Taliban and Darfur and Robert Mugabe are standard operating procedure.

3. To give Uncle Joe, the tax-cheating unlicensed plumber, a chance to earn some money selling his memoir book so he can pay his tax liens and buy the business license that is preventing him from testing Obama's tax plan. Did you get one for xmas, or have you ordered yours yet? Joe wants to contribute to Bristol's baby's college fund!

2. The thought that dead moose and elk antlers will form his crib.

1. John McCain will be his Godfather?!? 'Nuff Said!

Oh heck, Bristol is probably in the midst of giving birth as I post this. Hope it's an easy labor for her. She's got enough trouble ahead of her as it is. Gotta find an odd name for him, too. Maybe ... Pelt?

ps, feel free to add your own reasons or name choices. I'll leave this open until the baby appears! I mean, it's has to be any day now, right? So, she's 10-days overdue. No one would purposefully lie about the due date, would they? hmmm...

oh, pooh, see update in comments 12.29.08: tonight, Rachel Maddow reported Bristol had baby TRIPP yesterday. Tripp (7-lbs, 4-oz) and Bristol are reportedly doing well. No mention of Levi. The news is confirmed by People Magazine and the Anchorage Daily News, both stating the baby was born Sunday, but further news won't be released until Tuesday. So I guess she really WAS in labor when I posted this!

11 comments:

Fran said...

You are a crack up! This list of reasons is so funny.

• The baby is trying to figure out how to let the outside world know he wants that Voodoo evangelical priest to perform an exorcism for both sides of the family.

• He's pissed that he did not get in on the Palin family designer clothing shopping spree.

• He wants to know that winking & blinking shit his grandma does is not contagious.

• They have medically stopped the birth, waiting for 1•20•09 so Obama does not get all the attention on inauguration day.

I can't even begin to understand the naming process of the Palin tribe.

Here are some random offerings:

Upchuck

Caribiner

Goober

Snowflake

Muckluck

Boink



Your guess is as good as mine .....

D.K. Raed said...

Fran:
Oh, I bet the voodoo exorcism has to be the reason! Hahah! I love that you remembered the big wardrobe expenses, too.

Aaaah but we've been trumped by the news announcement I heard tonight on Rachel Maddow: Bristol Palin (now 18) gave birth to son, Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston sometime yesterday.

That's right, TRIPP. Hmmmm ... like Linda Tripp (Monica's friend), or: what a long strange trip it's been? so strange a trip, that it requires two "p's"!

Oh well, I had fun thinking of reasons why the baby might prefer to delay his birth.

enigma4ever said...

omg this is perfect.....soooooo funny....( hell it might even be accurate)

D.K. Raed said...

Enigma:
well since TRIPP only delayed his birth for a few days, I guess he wasn't all that concerned afterall. Just think, baby Tripp will have an Uncle Track and Uncle Trig and Grandpa Todd. With all those T's, his first words will probably be Ta-Ta (instead of Da-Da or Ma-Ma), as in Goodbye, I am out of here, ta-ta, y'all!

**********

So this A.M., Anchorage Daily News and Assoc Press say phone calls requesting more info are not being returned, that the family considers the birth to be a "private matter". Anchorage Daily, in particular, had promised more details & photos today, but so far, nothing. Most online sources say the baby was born Sunday, some are being more vague, just saying he was born this weekend. FOX says 5:30 AM Saturday in Palmer, AK. Oh and FOX also said Bristol is currently taking correspondence courses to finish high school.

I searched online for news all weekend, before I posted this on Sunday and there was NOTHING, ZIP, NADA. As of last night, just a few news sources had picked it up. But today, wow, it is all over the place (google Bristol Palin gives birth)!

I understand privacy, but I would've thought a family that had consumed the national conscious for so many months last year might release a nice homey mother & babe photo. People forgive a lot when they see a cutsy baby. Oh yeah right, need to get Levi back down from the North Slope to complete that family pic!

Dada said...

hey! Did someone mention da-da here?

I wouldn't put too much concern into this
news blackout re new arrival Tripp. They
are probably just busy (still) counting his
fingers & toes to ascertain little Tripp's
normal.

Nice post! The obvious connection to
uterin convulsions as you were writing
this is too *cosmic*to contemplate!

D.K. Raed said...

Dada:
yes, someone mentioned da-da, but it was in a similar vein as that VW ad Farfignuton "dah-dah-dah-dah....", which will no doubt be the favorite tune of new baby Tripp!

OMG, so if they are "still busy counting Tripp's fingers and toes", either 1) they are math-impaired to the max, or 2) he has waaaay too many fingers & toes?!? Now I simply HAVE to see a photo!

and, gulp, so producing a blog post is similar to labor pangs? It sure seems that way to me lately. Brain Freeze!

Fran said...

Stopping by to wish you & yours a happy new year

Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Pelt, that is the best! What the hell does Tripp mean? Do they not know how to spell or are they naming him after Linda Tripp? I still think that other baby is Bristol's. Can't remember his name, but it is something silly. I think they should have named this baby Meth or Oxy or Moron.

D.K. Raed said...

Pursey:
I'm thinking Linda Tripp was probably an inspiration to that family. Baby Oxy! That almost sounds cute! (or maybe I'm thinking of Babe the Blue Ox)

pursey said...

I think Oxy Contin Johnson would be a perfect name! After the grandma. How Sweet1!

Don G. said...

January 24 and still no baby? What the hell is going on and why isn't the media involved with this? I think that Bristol never did have the baby and is still pregnant with her second baby now.