Sunday, August 31, 2008

I swam today

Once upon a time, I had a backyard swimming pool. In the summer, I swam almost every day. In the winter, maybe once a week. I didn't worry about sun damage or cellulite. Life was good.

In the ensuing 25-yrs, I think I've only swam 5-times. Oh sure, armed with industrial-strength SPF-1000000, I've sunbathed by pools, attended poolside BBQs, even sat on the edge & dangled my toes in the pool water while vacationing in resorts with extra nice pools. These days, however, you'd more likely catch me in resort spas, because I like the very warm water. But you don't swim in a spa. You relax.

So when we scored a couple guest passes today for a local swim/fitness center, I had my doubts. First, I'm very picky about swimming pools. The water has to be crystal clear, the chemicals have to be undetectable, the other swimmers have to be of the non-freak show variety.

Second, I had a bit of a panic attack about my swimsuit. I bought it about 5-yrs ago for an Arizona vacation and haven't worn it since. Would it still fit, and more important, would it hide the upper thigh cellulite that started creeping in at age 50? As I bravely wriggled into it (very snug, but still wearable), bikini wax thoughts started floating in my head. But aaah, this particular "tankini" style covers a multitude of snicker bar binges as well as muff stuff, thus sparing me from too many of those self-doubts.

Third, would I even remember HOW to swim? I mean really swim, not just floating & kicking around. Is it like riding a bicycle? Even if I remembered, would my long unused swimming muscles be up to a few laps, or would I slowly sink to the bottom, a hopeless blob too embarrassed to show my face? Well, only one way to find out ......... off we went ...

I'm very happy to report success on all fronts! The pool was beautiful and looked especially inviting as it sparkled in our 100+ degree sun. With no detectable chemical odor and no poolside wierdos, I unveiled my tankini-ed self & carefully waded in. Most pools are too cold for me, but this one was perfect. I'm sure the solar gain from our desert sun helped it reach that perfect state. I know it wasn't little kid urine because this was an adult pool. The water temp was uniform, too, so that would seem to mean no geezer leakers. So far, so good ...

I thought I'd start with an easy sidestroke. About 1/2 way across the pool, one of my calves cramped up. Damn! I floated over to the side, feeling like a gaffed fish. After a few minutes of hanging on to the edge & slowly kicking, I gave it another try, this time just dog paddling. Eventually I worked my way up to a very ungainly, but serviceable breast stroke. Later on, I figured I'd give the sidestroke another try. Yeaaaaay! Success! I managed to do a double lap! (ok so I'm no Phelps)...

Just then, a late afternoon thunderstorm began to move in. We figured this was a good time to move indoors and try out the fitness equipment. We tried everything to see how it all worked. Just a few reps or minutes each was enough time to hear a FOX nitwit say about the Gustav preparations: "some people have groused that the Katrina response was inadequate"!

But all else was going smoothly until I got to the last row of "things" (I don't have a clue what all these fitness machines are called). That is when I felt Cindy McCain was stalking me. For some perverse reason, the Fitness Company model (the little illustration guide showing you how to use each of the items) was a dead-ringer for Ms Beer Queen herself!

These last row items used weights & pulleys & cables & handlebars. People who are into this stuff will know what I mean. There was a smiling blond Cindy with her perfect stick figure in a perfect gym outfit on every illustration, showing me how to stretch my latismus or how to use the handlebar for curls. I swear, by the time I finished that last row, I was ready to throw more than a few real weights at her unreal boobs!

So, then it was back into the wet tankini for a warm relaxing spa. Ahhhh, now this is something I know how to do! I knew my muscles would be paying for it later, but for that moment, I felt totally at peace.

Upon exiting the spa, I caught a glimpse of myself in one of the big fitness rm picture windows ...

To be totally honest, I think I look more PG than Sarah Palin did at 7-months...

Hey, maybe if I kill a polar bear with some pipeline oil and eat a mooseburger, I could be Vice-President! After all, I'm not a rich elitist AND I possess a vagina, which as far as I can tell, seems to be her sole qualifications.

Well, maybe not...

I could never force myself to stand that near to John McCain. He would defnitely qualify as one of the freaks that usually keep me out of the pool --you know, the kind that pray for divine intervention in the form of rain for the Democratic Invesco Field finale, but go mute about that aspect of Gustav possibly postponing their own event. Or worse, as I heard today, use Gustav as an excuse for why Pres Bush simply CANNOT attend. Yeah, right.

15 comments:

Mariamariacuchita said...

I love to swim too.

Plain will make a lot of comedians very happy to have such rich material.

D.K. Raed said...

MariaMaria:
hey ... you caught me doing some online editing, because I just heard about Pres Bush being unable to attend the RNC because, get this, he needs to monitor Gustav! I think my irony blood vessel just exploded. maybe I need another spa day.

PTCruiser said...

Sweet! You're ready for surfing! Let's go, D.K.!

an average patriot said...

I am glad everything worked out with the swimming venture. Isn't it funny how everything including your outlook changes as you mature.
As for Palin! The lying bitch will get caught for hiding her daughters pregnancy and claiming the child as her own. Gee her daughter will watch it. No shit it's hers. I hope it sinks Mcasshole! The mindless lying shits. We can not afford a repeat!

D.K. Raed said...

PT:
hey one small step at a time! The pacific ocean is waaay too cold for me. The Gulf of Mexico is more my style, if it weren't for those horrid hurricanes.

Avg Pat:
Somehow I think I'm regressing in the maturity dept. A woman my age shouldn't be so concerned about a little cellulite. Re: Palin ... I am reading the same stuff as you about the daughter & baby. Everything about it feels all wrong, but a simple DNA test would put it all to rest ... of course they would only agree to that if they knew in advance what the results would be.

an average patriot said...

Red
She is the grandmother and I don't know if you checked out the link from kos but she pulled her daughter out of High School for 8 months at that time. Gee what a coincidence. No one she worked with knew she we pregnant either and it gets worse. I don't know DNA but it seems to me that even if it is her grand son it would have the same DNA. I don't think it would tell anything!

Fran said...

Ha! I go to our local park pool-- an indoor facility that is not a fancy spa-- but keeps the water crystal clear & has outdoor hot tubs.
I kid my swimwear, self conscious friends-- if they hang with me, I will make them look skinny. (I am ahem, tall & "large-boned").
Our pool has all the deep water exercise equipment- float belts, smart bells, foot weights etc, I also like to throw on flippers & take a kick board & zip across the pool (otherwise I would be one very slow swimmer).
Something about being in flippers that I really like.... so very unconventional & unbusiness like.
I could, would and have logged too many hours in the hot tub-- it helps what ails me (joint/bone pain) & is my favorite de-stressor.
I've been known to linger in the hot tub for close to 2 hours.(after working out, mind you!).
I am a water baby for sure.

As for political ambitions, I have a vagina, have been in the PTA, and even organized soccer team pizza parties.
Therefore I feel highly qualified to discuss unilateral weapons treaties, oversee foreign policy issues- such as Afghanistan, denuclearization of the Korean Penninusula,
Sudan, Kenya's election issues. Foreign Affairs budgets, Deforestation and Climate Change adaptations, Negotiating Treaties, Crisis in Darfur & Tibet, Debt relief initiatives, Global food crisis, Pakistan's challenge, and finalize long term security agreements with Iraq-- to name a few.

Palin sure has opened the door to seemingly everyday people, being able to step up into very important government roles with a minimum of education or experience. After 8 years of the wreckless and often painful Bush regime, we now know that any idiot can run the country,he just happened to run it into the ground & to it's knees.

D.K. Raed said...

***** Sorry, been trying to pack & prep for a vacation departure this week *****

Avg Pat:
It's so convoluted at this point ... what seems clear is McCain's campaign did a piss-poor job of vetting Palin. Now whether she is damaged enough to damage him remains to be seen.

Fran:
Oh, Flippers! That's what I was missing! I liked our swim day and hope to have more. I could only take the hot spa for about 20-minutes, but it sure felt good on my muscles (which are still sore today).

As far as being as qualified as Palin, don't sell yourself short, that bar is pretty low. Now maybe if you have some trooper scandals in your background ...

I read today when Palin was asked if she was in favor of keeping "under God" in The Pledge of Allegiance, she said, "absolutely, if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it's good enough for me!" .... hmmmm, "under God" was added in 1954 (in a McCarthy effort to out communists). But (sigh) after Bush, she doesn't seem near dumb enough for higher office.

Fran said...

Palin has quickly changed from circus to a white trash soap opera freak show in no time.
The repub buzz is the unwed teen pregnancy & pending (shotgun?) marriage shows "she's real".
She's real allright- really unqualified.

D.K. Raed said...

Fran:
yeah, like the family values of an oldest son joining the military as soon as he's 18 (what, no college for a son of a governor, or at least an officer-training program; not to mention the hokey weirdness of his joining up the week of 9/11/07 & deploying the week of 9/11/08; was that supposed to push our patriotic buttons?) .... and oldest daughter pulled out high school, PG at 16, getting married at 17?!? And McC's campaign says Palin was vetted by FBI, but FBI says no one asked them to vet her. This is bad judgment & cover-up damage-control.

an average patriot said...

Red
I agree and I am sure he is lying but he says he knew about the daughter! This morning on the radio they were talking about it saying it is no big deal and swarms of Repug lawyers were going to Alaska to fight charges in trooper gate.
Also she was being investigated for firing the police chief who did not agree with her politically. Then the guy said it doesn't bother me that she hid her husband's DUI from 20 years ago or that her Mother in law does not know who she is going to vote for yet because she does not think Palin is qualified.
The issue to him is that she was a member of a secessionist movement until 1994 to have Alaska break away from the US. Again my question is what the hall is next?

DivaJood said...

As for Bush monitoring Gustov, "Heckuva Job, Chimpy."

enigma4ever said...

oh good for you !!! so proud of you- and so brave too....wow..way to go...so what is next ;-)

Triathalon??? right...me neither..

great story...loved it..hell- I am even inspired...

Ingrid said...

If memory serves me correctly (thinking I remember one of your pics with this gorgeous big bushy red hair you lucky dog you!!).. I am sure you looked gorgeous. Thank God for tankinis and whatever kind of contraptions that cater towards the non bikini crowd! I can relate to your self consciousness but hey, it must have been nice temps throughout the day AND night for the water to be so comfortable. I apparently like 'bathwater' (according to dh) and I'm not one for cold water either..
glad you had a good experience because all in all, there might be a little old lady swimming around thinking of you as this beautiful 'young thing' and 'if only she was that young again'.. it's all relative girlfriend!

Ingrid

D.K. Raed said...

Thanks for your votes of confidence, everyone! I think we'll go swimming again next week. Weather will still be in the high-90's here.

**********

Ingrid, well I am a redhead, but not the big bushy kind! And I won't sell those little old swimming ladies short -- some of them, maybe MOST of them, can outswim me (I am SOOOO out of practice)!