I swam today

Once upon a time, I had a backyard swimming pool. In the summer, I swam almost every day. In the winter, maybe once a week. I didn't worry about sun damage or cellulite. Life was good.

In the ensuing 25-yrs, I think I've only swam 5-times. Oh sure, armed with industrial-strength SPF-1000000, I've sunbathed by pools, attended poolside BBQs, even sat on the edge & dangled my toes in the pool water while vacationing in resorts with extra nice pools. These days, however, you'd more likely catch me in resort spas, because I like the very warm water. But you don't swim in a spa. You relax.

So when we scored a couple guest passes today for a local swim/fitness center, I had my doubts. First, I'm very picky about swimming pools. The water has to be crystal clear, the chemicals have to be undetectable, the other swimmers have to be of the non-freak show variety.

Second, I had a bit of a panic attack about my swimsuit. I bought it about 5-yrs ago for an Arizona vacation and haven't worn it since. Would it still fit, and more important, would it hide the upper thigh cellulite that started creeping in at age 50? As I bravely wriggled into it (very snug, but still wearable), bikini wax thoughts started floating in my head. But aaah, this particular "tankini" style covers a multitude of snicker bar binges as well as muff stuff, thus sparing me from too many of those self-doubts.

Third, would I even remember HOW to swim? I mean really swim, not just floating & kicking around. Is it like riding a bicycle? Even if I remembered, would my long unused swimming muscles be up to a few laps, or would I slowly sink to the bottom, a hopeless blob too embarrassed to show my face? Well, only one way to find out ......... off we went ...

I'm very happy to report success on all fronts! The pool was beautiful and looked especially inviting as it sparkled in our 100+ degree sun. With no detectable chemical odor and no poolside wierdos, I unveiled my tankini-ed self & carefully waded in. Most pools are too cold for me, but this one was perfect. I'm sure the solar gain from our desert sun helped it reach that perfect state. I know it wasn't little kid urine because this was an adult pool. The water temp was uniform, too, so that would seem to mean no geezer leakers. So far, so good ...

I thought I'd start with an easy sidestroke. About 1/2 way across the pool, one of my calves cramped up. Damn! I floated over to the side, feeling like a gaffed fish. After a few minutes of hanging on to the edge & slowly kicking, I gave it another try, this time just dog paddling. Eventually I worked my way up to a very ungainly, but serviceable breast stroke. Later on, I figured I'd give the sidestroke another try. Yeaaaaay! Success! I managed to do a double lap! (ok so I'm no Phelps)...

Just then, a late afternoon thunderstorm began to move in. We figured this was a good time to move indoors and try out the fitness equipment. We tried everything to see how it all worked. Just a few reps or minutes each was enough time to hear a FOX nitwit say about the Gustav preparations: "some people have groused that the Katrina response was inadequate"!

But all else was going smoothly until I got to the last row of "things" (I don't have a clue what all these fitness machines are called). That is when I felt Cindy McCain was stalking me. For some perverse reason, the Fitness Company model (the little illustration guide showing you how to use each of the items) was a dead-ringer for Ms Beer Queen herself!

These last row items used weights & pulleys & cables & handlebars. People who are into this stuff will know what I mean. There was a smiling blond Cindy with her perfect stick figure in a perfect gym outfit on every illustration, showing me how to stretch my latismus or how to use the handlebar for curls. I swear, by the time I finished that last row, I was ready to throw more than a few real weights at her unreal boobs!

So, then it was back into the wet tankini for a warm relaxing spa. Ahhhh, now this is something I know how to do! I knew my muscles would be paying for it later, but for that moment, I felt totally at peace.

Upon exiting the spa, I caught a glimpse of myself in one of the big fitness rm picture windows ...

To be totally honest, I think I look more PG than Sarah Palin did at 7-months...

Hey, maybe if I kill a polar bear with some pipeline oil and eat a mooseburger, I could be Vice-President! After all, I'm not a rich elitist AND I possess a vagina, which as far as I can tell, seems to be her sole qualifications.

Well, maybe not...

I could never force myself to stand that near to John McCain. He would defnitely qualify as one of the freaks that usually keep me out of the pool --you know, the kind that pray for divine intervention in the form of rain for the Democratic Invesco Field finale, but go mute about that aspect of Gustav possibly postponing their own event. Or worse, as I heard today, use Gustav as an excuse for why Pres Bush simply CANNOT attend. Yeah, right.