"Saturday is the big day—Jenna Bush is getting married. The wedding will take place in Crawford, since even Jenna doesn't want to be associated with the current White House. The lucky man is Henry Hager, a stand-up guy who, in honor of his country and his new father-in-law's top priority, will go to fight in Iraq immediately after the wedding.
"Just kidding. He's finishing his MBA. But, no doubt, he'll be supporting the troops in his own way, perhaps on the crucial investment banking front.
"The final question: What will Daddy Bush's toast be like? The wedding is top secret, but you can make your own version of his remarks with our George Bush Wedding Toast-O-Tron."
Greetings, Christian soldiers.
As the bride's banker, I would like thank you all for coming.
To my daughter's drinking buddy, I just wanna say, she's your problem now.
I have audited his finances and I can say that Henry is a strong man.
To Henry and my daughter, number two, I want to say that the path to a successful marriage is to stay the course.
And so, in honor of the oddly similar-looking couple, let us all make the tax cuts permanent ... or, uh, whatever it was I was talking about.
After the happy nuptials, the handsome bride and pretty groom will be personally instructed by the President in the finer art of ranch management:
Here we see Fraternal Twin not-Jenna modeling her maid of honor outfit and new tattoo:
If that outfit doesn't make it painfully obvious why Jenna is getting married and not-Jenna is not, here is the final proof ... the she-wolf in heat demonstrating the "technique" that won Henry Hagar's heart: Actually, I feel kind of cheated. Previous white house weddings have been pretty lavish public affairs. Is this a sign of how low in popularity Bush is, or is it right in line with how secretive this whole administration is? Perhaps it just means Dick Cheney was the wedding planner. We'll know for sure if we see this wedding banquet item: roasted ranch-captive quail, braised with sweet iraqi oil, served with souvenir buckshot casing on the side.
Finally, here we see the Crawford Angel Sculpture, donated by Bush to the town of Crawford, decked out in bridal veil & flowers in honor of Jenna's wedding. Since it's as close as the tourists could get to the ranch today, they were reduced to taking photos of a hunk of rusty iron. There's something so sad about this, it pretty much sums up the day, wouldn't you say?