Friday, May 9, 2008

Wedding Bell Blues

The following is "snipped" from 23/6 news (motto: some of the news, most of the time) ...

"Saturday is the big day—Jenna Bush is getting married. The wedding will take place in Crawford, since even Jenna doesn't want to be associated with the current White House. The lucky man is Henry Hager, a stand-up guy who, in honor of his country and his new father-in-law's top priority, will go to fight in Iraq immediately after the wedding.

"Just kidding. He's finishing his MBA. But, no doubt, he'll be supporting the troops in his own way, perhaps on the crucial investment banking front.

"The final question: What will Daddy Bush's toast be like? The wedding is top secret, but you can make your own version of his remarks with our George Bush Wedding Toast-O-Tron."

OK, this is Silly, Dumb, Juvenile .... yes! yes! yes! .... click here to fill in the blanks yourself. Here are mine:

Greetings, Christian soldiers.
As the bride's banker, I would like thank you all for coming.
To my daughter's drinking buddy, I just wanna say, she's your problem now.
I have audited his finances and I can say that Henry is a strong man.
To Henry and my daughter, number two, I want to say that the path to a successful marriage is to stay the course.
And so, in honor of the oddly similar-looking couple, let us all make the tax cuts permanent ... or, uh, whatever it was I was talking about.

After the happy nuptials, the handsome bride and pretty groom will be personally instructed by the President in the finer art of ranch management:
Here we see Fraternal Twin not-Jenna modeling her maid of honor outfit and new tattoo:
If that outfit doesn't make it painfully obvious why Jenna is getting married and not-Jenna is not, here is the final proof ... the she-wolf in heat demonstrating the "technique" that won Henry Hagar's heart: Actually, I feel kind of cheated. Previous white house weddings have been pretty lavish public affairs. Is this a sign of how low in popularity Bush is, or is it right in line with how secretive this whole administration is? Perhaps it just means Dick Cheney was the wedding planner. We'll know for sure if we see this wedding banquet item: roasted ranch-captive quail, braised with sweet iraqi oil, served with souvenir buckshot casing on the side.


UPDATE: I've been updating wedding info in the comments, but this is too good not to put in the post. The wedding band is SUPER-T. Click here for some samples (Super Freak, Sexual Healing, Brick House, The Bird). No offense to Jenna, but why would she pick her father's favorite band for HER wedding? These guys have been around 40-yrs, doing the same thang, playing country clubs whenever the good ole boys decide they need to get funky. They are the ones Bush conga-danced through the white house with. Try to imagine the Cheneys and other whitebread conservatives pretending to move to that groove. What a day for Jenna! It would be like as if at my wedding, 32-yrs ago, I had selected Arthur Godfrey or Benny Goodman or Les Brown and his Band of Renown for the dance music.

Finally, here we see the Crawford Angel Sculpture, donated by Bush to the town of Crawford, decked out in bridal veil & flowers in honor of Jenna's wedding. Since it's as close as the tourists could get to the ranch today, they were reduced to taking photos of a hunk of rusty iron. There's something so sad about this, it pretty much sums up the day, wouldn't you say?


eProf2 said...

We'll still have no Bushes in Iraq or Afghanistan. They have more important things to do, to paraphrase Criminal Cheney!

D.K. Raed said...

hey EProf: I was just trying to figure out why the last paragraph of my post didn't post. I guess I didn't "save" it.

Yes ... no matter how fast a "producer" Jenna is, there will never be any Bushes in any oil-wars. The most they will do is protect the texas borders & coastline, just like daddy, by flying their private jets overhead & observing when is the right time for them to sky to paraguay, where Jenna has already spent so much time in the paraguayan palace, she knows exactly where all the tequila is stored.

Mauigirl said...

That Bush wedding toast game was great. I came up with a good toast myself!

D.K. Raed said...

A good toast is so hard to find these days! I'm afraid The non-public Jenna Wedding will forever haunt any future Mutha's Day for me.

enigma4ever said...

tooooo funny...great post...and now we can play the Toast Game..excellent...

D.K. Raed said...

Enigma, let me know if you find any TV coverage of the wedding. I'd like to see which broken-hearted Saudi princes attend, or perhaps line up to dance/court not-Jenna. She's the non-verbal twin, so would be perfect for solidifying oil relations in the old fashioned way (by marriage).

Utah Savage said...

I'm turning on the TV right now just to see if I can find any toasting to Jenna going on. I'll keep you up on the toasting. I especially loved Chimpy's pink motherfucker of the bride outfit.

D.K. Raed said...

I just checked out TV news. It's all election, burma, lebanon ... until I turned to FOX ... naturally! I'm running back to the TV now.

Hah! Utah Savage: Motherfucker of the Bride! That title has movie potential!

D.K. Raed said...

well that was a bust. it seems even FOX can't get cameras onsite for live shots. all they showed was the dinky one-horse town of Crawford putting up Jenna-Henry banners on their storefronts. They DID promise pictures "later tonight or tomorrow morning". OMG, they said the wedding dress is WHITE! Then the two newstwits started babbling about baby names! Seems a bit, ummm, presumptuous.

Then they announced that GWB talked about how proud Laura will be this mother's day after having watched her daughter walk down the aisle. This was quickly followed by how Bush said his heart goes out to those mothers who have lost sons & daughters (no aisle for them), or those whose mothers are gone. yeah, right, I'm sure he feels their pain. bastard!

Meanwhile, the fox news scroll was droning about Hillary quietly returning Danielczyk's campaign contributions because he is under investigation, similar to Hsu.

an average patriot said...

Oh Red
I am so personally offended by the chief idiot and what he has and is purposely doing that I can't stand the fool having a time like this. He acts like su
After what he has done can anyone possibly think he even deserved a smile? I don't know where you found it but that picture of the fool in the pink dress fits him perfectly. He should go to the WH like that but he'd probably get a kick out of it!

D.K. Raed said...

Fox Wedding Update:
confirming a white silk organza wedding dress with a bit of a train designed by Oscar De La Renta. no pre-wedding pics allowed so groom will be surprised (that's not all that will surprise him, I'm sure).

vows to be in front a large limestone cross by a lake (you know there will be pics of this distributed by Haggee, Robertson, etc, for all their cross-loving followers).

93-degree heat, 45% humidity (for that wilted glistening sweaty group photo, not to mention special ptomaine potato salad).

Dancing to Super-T and his soul/funk band (expect some bouncing Chimp pics, maybe with Price Abdullah as his partner).

Honeymoon? None of our business!

Avg Patriot: I'm just having fun with it,so he can go console the grieving mothers & children (as if) that he alluded to in his mother's day message.

an average patriot said...

I have been following you. I'm glad it's 93 there. I'm smiling! i won't rain on your parade!

D.K. Raed said...

Thanks, Avg Patriot. It's not 93 here, it's 93 at the Crawford Ranch, which is bad enough, but combined w/45% humidity, that is painful.


Fox interviewed some townspeople. None of them are invited either. The coffee shop is full of reporters hoping for a glimpse of something. They shut down a few streets of the town last night so the wedding crowd could move from one venue to another. No TV journalists allowed. Hrmphhhh!

I added a link to update my post w/info about the wedding music by Super-T. Try listening to some of the samples. Try imagining the Cheney's moving the groove of that!

an average patriot said...

Knowing that under the best of conditions Bush is a total fool you can't blame them for having that at the ranch. You have to wonder what they are hiding Besides the idiot.
I was with you on it being 93 in Crawford. I am such an AH I was wishing the ranch would be nuked. Have fun!

DivaJood said...

DK, that hat Not-Jenna is wearing is amazing. Did she get it from Queen Elizabeth?

D.K. Raed said...

Diva: No doubt. I think they are distantly related to her heinie.

The wedding list is being treated as a State Secret. Groom Pedigree: Henry Hager was a aide to Karl Rove. His father is the chairman of the Virginia Repuke Party.

They're probably saying "I Do" right now while the townspeople of Crawford are contenting themselves selling souvenirs & trinkets of the event. A rusty metal sculpture of an angel that was given to the town Crawford by Bush is adorned with a veil & bouquet of white flowers. Apparently all the tourists are taking their pictures in front of it, cuz that's as close as they're gonna get to the happy couple.

D.K. Raed said...

Avg Patriot: I think we know who the AHs are today. They are down on the ranch.


Fox Geraldo Rivera says he is covering the wedding in a few minutes. I have endured beyond my limit of wading into that cesspool of shit news. He already admitted there will be no live coverage, because that would make Jenna "a target". So, I'm recording it & will watch what I can stomach later.

The father-daughter dance will be to Joe Cocker's, "You are so beautiful". I'm gagging. I wonder if he even gives a rat's ass about all the beautiful parent's whose beautiful children are not coming home alive from the illegal war he has thrust them into, or if that would bother his or his mother's "beautiful mind". I wonder if Super-T knows "Hail to the Thief", or maybe "seig heil" would be more appropriate.

DivaJood said...

Well, golly gee whiz, it just shows to go you, with enough oil money, even someone like Jenna can get hitched to Karl Rove's aide. And Super-T. Wow. What class. All low, but still.

Thanks for clearing up that bit about the hat.

D.K. Raed said...

Hey Diva, thanks, I had fun with it ... at first ... but trying to watch that much Fox TV could drive a person insane. The press will have photos tomorrow, just in case you need a reason to vomit. It seems to me if a person truly wanted a "low-key affair", they could do what I did & go to Vegas. It was good enough for Britney Spears! But of course, being a bush-spawn, I'm sure the thought never crossed Jenna's mind about how much good all the money being wasted on this ephemeral moment could do if donated to some worthy causes. Now THAT would've been memorable!

********** I'm adding one of those tourist photos of the Crawford Angel decked out as a bride to the bottom of this post. This was as close as the tourists could get to the ranch, so they were reduced to taking photos of themselves in front of a hunk rusty iron. Very sad affair.

DivaJood said...

Well, it would not do for the press to take pikchers of our Prez and his daughter snorting coke, now would it?

Fran said...

You gotta give Jenna credit though for saying she is not a part of the whole (frickin') white house scene & wanting to do her own thing.
Keep the general media away from her day.

To that extent I saw a hilarious news clip-- some reporter in her high heels standing on some godforsaken farmland with a giant tractor & farm machinery behind her, saying she's 7 miles away from the ranch, with essentialy nothing to actually report.

Normally, the newsroom editors would look at that & say- she's got nothin' & toss the footage in the trash, but that was all they could get, so they ran with it.

Hi were, here in Crawford & we've got nothin'.
How bout that tractor wheel- it's bigger than me. Things sure are big in Texas....

D.K. Raed said...

Diva, now I'm wondering where the son-in-law fits into that pikcher? Bush says when "Hank" approached him about marrying Jenna (supposedly before he even asked Jenna, if you can believe that BS), that he warned him she was "a strong woman". Then he said, "Done Deal". Wierd. Like he was pawning her off or something. Well, since you mention the coke aspect, I will be inspecting photos for traces of white powder anywhere to be seen. If not the actual white stuff, then the other telltale apparatus. Hmmm, why all the personal mirrors on every banquet table? Are commemorative razor-blades inscribed w/the presidential seal really just a normal nominal mememto for guests to take home?

D.K. Raed said...

you're cracking me up! That is EXACTLY what all the LIVE reporting was about yesterday! All the poor newshounds prowling around town coffee shops & trying to get closer than 7-miles to their target of interest.

I pity the poor farmer who happened to have a picturesque photo-op grouping of farm equip & haystacks near enough to a main road to attract the nation's tireless newsmeisters. I bet his ground is all trampled & his dirt road eroded from all the traffic. When the next rain comes, he'll be cursing them.

I'm sure official photos will be released today. In fact, if I was willing to endure FOX again, they are probably running them now.

Fran said...

I came up with my own choices for the toast:

Greetings, Patriots!
As the bride's host of this here extravaganza, I would like thank y' all for coming.
To y'all , I just wanna say, this, this here is hard work, and we worked really hard on putting this together.
I have wiretapped into Hank's personal information and I can say that Henry is a man under surveillance. You screw up Henry, we're gonna know about it. We're watchin' you.

To Henry and my daughter, what's her name over there , I want to say that the path to a successful marriage is to hook up with a family that is filthy rich. Oil that is-Black gold- Texas tea.
As a special thanks to my daughter, I'd like to thank you for keeping the press away. He he he-they will NOT catch me making any mistakes or sayin' anything stupid at this event- because they are not allowed ac-cess! I wish Dick Cheney woulda told me about that eight years ago!
And so, in honor of the sappy couple, let us all
do the Texas two step on the dance floor, decorated with a copy of the U-nited States Constitution. Yee-Haw! And may god bless Amer-i-ca ONLY.

Fran said...

So maybe for tunes they would play such hits as:

• Jailhouse Rock
• WAR (what is it good for?)
• I shot the Sheriff
• It's my party & I'll cry if I want to
• Paint it Black
• Sympathy for the Devil
• Crippled Inside
• Nowhere Man

Utah Savage said...

I love Fran's list of songs.

I don't know if you're a mother or not, but you probably have a mother..... unless you're lucky like me and she has died. I know that's not very nice to say, but it's my truth. Probably not yours. At any rate, Happy Mother's Day.

an average patriot said...

Happy Mothers Day Red and Utah!

D.K. Raed said...

Fran: you shoulda been George's toast script writer! If Hank has a brain (something I have no proof of), he must be a little weak in the knees thinking about all the extra surveillance he will have from now on. No more gouging out his nose for hidden treasure. And you are so right, the way Bush accents AMERICA in his signature closer, God Bless AMERICA, does imply that he means ONLY America! You are right, he is about to become the REAL "Nowhere Man" (disappearing to paraguay), and Cheney will be expecting "Sympathy for the Devil" (as long as he doesn't step foot in venezuela).

U Savage: I will address my mom in different post. She wasn't perfect, but neither am I.

& Avg Patriot: I am not a Mother, but I accept the good wishes!

an average patriot said...

Gee Red
All women as they mature are Mothers to me. You do not have to have kids to be a Mother. My own Mother was not one until she got older! Being a Mother is a frame of mind! A friend from childhood can not have kids and she is the best Mother I have ever met.

D.K. Raed said...

Thanks Avg Patriot: I think that train left the station long ago, but hope it isn't too self-indulgent to say I feel like the non-biological mother of every pet we've ever had. I think what you are referring to is the nuturing quality of women (and some men), be they mothers or not. My mom was a mother at a young age AND at an older age, same as her own mom. One of my sisters has continued the tradition. It makes for some interesting family age groups.

an average patriot said...

Yhep you got it Red!
I was thinking about it last night! Everybody changes some for the better some for the worse. Most Women not all get Motherly as they get older some just get bitchy like some men.
I have to laugh! I was talking to one of my sons yesterday and a sister who called me up to call me an A.H. and wish me a Happy Mothers Day. Love it and yes I raised my 4 sons! Some of us are Mutha's and Mother's.

D.K. Raed said...

Avg Patriot: LOL! not many people get called an AH AND wished a Happy Mother's Day in the same phone call. With 4 sons, some in the military, it seems I should've wished you a happy Murtha's day!