The following transcript was smuggled out of Riyadh today. It appears to be one side of the conversation at President Bush's desparate meeting with an unnamed Saudi Arabian King. We have no idea if it was properly transcribed or even if it is genuine. Translations of the King's side of the conversation are not available. Formal greetings have been purposefully redacted, so we enter in mid-conversation:
Yeah, heh-heh, ya might say I got mysef into a bit of a jam. Been playin fass & loose with mah job re-spon-si-bill-a-tees. Ya see we got oursels this thang called the consteetooshun which I done ak-si-dent-all-ee used to wipe mah arse with. Well yeah, ya might think so, but how was I s'posed to know? It was the only paper in that liddle room with the big glass toilets -- they call it the Smithsonian Drawing Room, which is where I figger ya drop ya drawers when naychure calls. Sure seem like a stoopid place to put 'portant doc-yoo-ments right out there in publick. 'Course normally I'da looked for a more private place, but I was newly ee-leck-tud an I didunt know mah way 'round none too good. They's lucky. If I'da had chili thet night, we'da prolly lost the Declarayshun ah Independunce too. Heck bells though, you'da thought I'd done kilt democracy or sumpthin the way some people carried on. Blame that stoopid Smithson guy for a bad toilet design, I say.
But ... oh yeah, why am I meeting with you about this Smithson guy? Ah ain't! Thet was all jes in the naychure of background info; hit's top secret stuff we yoonahtary egg-zeck-yoo-tiffs are s'posed to keep to oursef. I dunno why, but they tell me thet's how this whole mess done started.
Well yes, I do trust you. Y'alls been mine and my Daddy's frens forever an a day, as we say down on the ranch. Yes, I know what frens do for one another; they hep them out in a time of need. What? 'Course I know 'bout Quid Pro Quo; I didunt go to Yale an Harvord for nuthin! I'm not no appeaser! Ya don't have to remine me.
But I still got another daughter. No, she's not blond. Ya unnerstand the blond one HAD to get married unner a big ole cross in order to satisfy mah party's christian base? Yes, they are similar to your Wahabbists, only we find it more easy to satisfy them with meaningless rituals and religious symbols. You got mah sympathy on that, tryin'a deal with those nasty 'hobbists.
But before we proceed with thet neh-go-she-a-shun for my other daughter, I need to know if you can hep me out. You know what I'm talkin 'bout. Yes, THE OIL, what did'cha think, what else ya got, we don't need no more sand, man!
OK, here's the deal, 'doolah. You ferget thet ya awready invested so much money inna 'murican financhal trayshurees an reel estate. You ferget that due to my bad management, we done lost it all. You ferget all 'bout the declining Yoo-Ess Dollar which is killin yore bottom line. We all got bottom lines. Instead, you jes start pumpin out sum more of that sweet crude our way, an we'll call it even.
Yes, you unnerstood me, EVEN! Mah other daughter, not-Jenna, to marry the Saudi Royal Prince of your choice, thus uniting our two famblies by blood AND oil. Ah jes luv bein a uniter. WHAT? She's not worth it? I can go screw mysef?
But but, I don't think you unnerstand. We need to git oil prices down so that the 'merican peoples will vote for mah party in November. Yes, we still have ee-leck-shuns, apparently that part of the consteetooshun wadn't too badly smeared. Not for lack of effort on mah part! Yeah, we are working on resolving that issue, but it's not been easy without Karl.
What? Ya say if I send Karl yore way, you might jes think about sending us more oil? Well now! I was sure we could do bidness! Laura, han me the Karl phone, the one that has a pickshure of Jeff Gannon on the display. Yup, the one you keep in yore purse! I think we're about to do us a liddle Texas style bargainin, yeee-hawww!
Jes make sure ya get the oil flowing soon, so our gas prices can start comin down. But not too soon, if ya know what I mean. September and October would be perfeck fer some cheap gas.
Oh a'course you can cut back the flow, so our prices go back up, starting in Mid-November! And this time, you can jes ferget about any restraints. You jes cut back as far as you feel like. Mah stool-pidgeun, Muck-Came, unnerstands we still got us a passle o'money to be made on this oil deal. No, you can truss him. That was just his vote-voice talkin about dee-vel-oh-ping wind and solar power. He unnerstands Quid-Pro-Quo as good as any Yalie, and he's awready workin on sending y'all some really cool military stuff to hep with protectun yore eyeranfren's oil.
Yes, not-Jenna will be heartbroken, but she'll unnerstand. I'm sure she'll get another chance at a patriotic wedding alliance soon. I hear that new Putin Puppet, Meddievevvie, is lookin for a bride. Not-Jenna is already studyin rooskie. I got a Soulsheneetzin layin aroun on mah nightstan with her name on it. It's right nex to the Kamoo and the three Shakespeers. I wunner if that Shakespeer dude has written anythin new lately? I get 'em 3 for a buck at the local Crawford flea market. Hit's a good deal cuz there's yoozhulee a lot more'n 3 fleas inside. Laura uses 'em to set her presriptables on ... the books, not the fleas! The fleas she gives to me, dangit!
Oh wait, ya still here, 'doolah? Well, let's shake, sheik, heheheh ...
Firm Hand-Shake, Kiss-Kiss, Nod, Nod, Wink, Wink, fade to black ...