Saturday, May 17, 2008

Bush to Abdullah, hey buddy can you spare a drop?

The following transcript was smuggled out of Riyadh today. It appears to be one side of the conversation at President Bush's desparate meeting with an unnamed Saudi Arabian King. We have no idea if it was properly transcribed or even if it is genuine. Translations of the King's side of the conversation are not available. Formal greetings have been purposefully redacted, so we enter in mid-conversation:

Yeah, heh-heh, ya might say I got mysef into a bit of a jam. Been playin fass & loose with mah job re-spon-si-bill-a-tees. Ya see we got oursels this thang called the consteetooshun which I done ak-si-dent-all-ee used to wipe mah arse with. Well yeah, ya might think so, but how was I s'posed to know? It was the only paper in that liddle room with the big glass toilets -- they call it the Smithsonian Drawing Room, which is where I figger ya drop ya drawers when naychure calls. Sure seem like a stoopid place to put 'portant doc-yoo-ments right out there in publick. 'Course normally I'da looked for a more private place, but I was newly ee-leck-tud an I didunt know mah way 'round none too good. They's lucky. If I'da had chili thet night, we'da prolly lost the Declarayshun ah Independunce too. Heck bells though, you'da thought I'd done kilt democracy or sumpthin the way some people carried on. Blame that stoopid Smithson guy for a bad toilet design, I say.

But ... oh yeah, why am I meeting with you about this Smithson guy? Ah ain't! Thet was all jes in the naychure of background info; hit's top secret stuff we yoonahtary egg-zeck-yoo-tiffs are s'posed to keep to oursef. I dunno why, but they tell me thet's how this whole mess done started.

Well yes, I do trust you. Y'alls been mine and my Daddy's frens forever an a day, as we say down on the ranch. Yes, I know what frens do for one another; they hep them out in a time of need. What? 'Course I know 'bout Quid Pro Quo; I didunt go to Yale an Harvord for nuthin! I'm not no appeaser! Ya don't have to remine me.

But I still got another daughter. No, she's not blond. Ya unnerstand the blond one HAD to get married unner a big ole cross in order to satisfy mah party's christian base? Yes, they are similar to your Wahabbists, only we find it more easy to satisfy them with meaningless rituals and religious symbols. You got mah sympathy on that, tryin'a deal with those nasty 'hobbists.

But before we proceed with thet neh-go-she-a-shun for my other daughter, I need to know if you can hep me out. You know what I'm talkin 'bout. Yes, THE OIL, what did'cha think, what else ya got, we don't need no more sand, man!

OK, here's the deal, 'doolah. You ferget thet ya awready invested so much money inna 'murican financhal trayshurees an reel estate. You ferget that due to my bad management, we done lost it all. You ferget all 'bout the declining Yoo-Ess Dollar which is killin yore bottom line. We all got bottom lines. Instead, you jes start pumpin out sum more of that sweet crude our way, an we'll call it even.

Yes, you unnerstood me, EVEN! Mah other daughter, not-Jenna, to marry the Saudi Royal Prince of your choice, thus uniting our two famblies by blood AND oil. Ah jes luv bein a uniter. WHAT? She's not worth it? I can go screw mysef?

But but, I don't think you unnerstand. We need to git oil prices down so that the 'merican peoples will vote for mah party in November. Yes, we still have ee-leck-shuns, apparently that part of the consteetooshun wadn't too badly smeared. Not for lack of effort on mah part! Yeah, we are working on resolving that issue, but it's not been easy without Karl.

What? Ya say if I send Karl yore way, you might jes think about sending us more oil? Well now! I was sure we could do bidness! Laura, han me the Karl phone, the one that has a pickshure of Jeff Gannon on the display. Yup, the one you keep in yore purse! I think we're about to do us a liddle Texas style bargainin, yeee-hawww!

Jes make sure ya get the oil flowing soon, so our gas prices can start comin down. But not too soon, if ya know what I mean. September and October would be perfeck fer some cheap gas.

Oh a'course you can cut back the flow, so our prices go back up, starting in Mid-November! And this time, you can jes ferget about any restraints. You jes cut back as far as you feel like. Mah stool-pidgeun, Muck-Came, unnerstands we still got us a passle o'money to be made on this oil deal. No, you can truss him. That was just his vote-voice talkin about dee-vel-oh-ping wind and solar power. He unnerstands Quid-Pro-Quo as good as any Yalie, and he's awready workin on sending y'all some really cool military stuff to hep with protectun yore eyeranfren's oil.

Yes, not-Jenna will be heartbroken, but she'll unnerstand. I'm sure she'll get another chance at a patriotic wedding alliance soon. I hear that new Putin Puppet, Meddievevvie, is lookin for a bride. Not-Jenna is already studyin rooskie. I got a Soulsheneetzin layin aroun on mah nightstan with her name on it. It's right nex to the Kamoo and the three Shakespeers. I wunner if that Shakespeer dude has written anythin new lately? I get 'em 3 for a buck at the local Crawford flea market. Hit's a good deal cuz there's yoozhulee a lot more'n 3 fleas inside. Laura uses 'em to set her presriptables on ... the books, not the fleas! The fleas she gives to me, dangit!
Oh wait, ya still here, 'doolah? Well, let's shake, sheik, heheheh ...
Firm Hand-Shake, Kiss-Kiss, Nod, Nod, Wink, Wink, fade to black ...


DivaJood said...

You must have been up hours listening to the original tape - I am so impressed at your ability to translate - my god, you could work for the United Nations as a "Texan" translater. Holy guacamole. Too bad about Not-Jenna, though. Maybe she can become nanny to the Cheney baby.

D.K. Raed said...

Diva, I think I've just been reading too much Forest Gump and/or Confederacy of Dunces. Bush's voice drives me to distraction. Sometimes the best way to clear it out of my head is to write it down.

And holy wahcamolee is right! I totally forgot about the unholy cheney baby. Last I recall, it was still in the fetal catagory. Where can I find pics of little bundle of joy?

eProf2 said...

Well done DK. That must have taken you a long time to create the transcript in Texan language. East Texas, that is! I was smiling and laughing all the way through it. Like my post today, Bush is something else. He'd be funny if it weren't for the absurd things he does, whether on purpose or accidentally.

enigma4ever said...

omg...that 's it...the Forrest Gump Accent...really amazing that speak fluent texamania...the UN does need to hire you...this is so funny..

( hard to laugh- the photo alone is worth 10 TUMS...)

( you deserve some sort of screen writing award....)

D.K. Raed said...

It took me about 2-hrs to translate even this much texian. I kept editing it, trying to create that sound in words. I think you're right, I ended up going way more east texas, maybe even all the way to appalachia? certainly not west texas!

Texamanian ... that's it! Thanks for the compliment, but I'm afraid if I had to work all day, every day at the UN trying to make Texamanian comprehensible, I'd end up begging for asylum in an asylum.

Fran said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fran said...

Sounds like the only part of the "public" presentation-- I mean conversation, was where they did the can you pump more oil bit, then they went off, literally, holding hands to King of Oil's private horse farm.
I'm guessing the Kings horses live in a bigger & better place than I do!

I suspect this is just all for show. Bravo! Great performance. Now Bush can come home & shrug his shoulders, saying he did everything he could do & those darned Saudi's just won't budge. Let them be the bad guys.

The rest of the afternoon was spent reminiscing, and counting profits. Good times.

D.K. Raed said...

I bet you're right about those horses! Solid gold shit shovels are probably just the beginning of the barn amenities. Falcons, too, don't forget they raise some outrageously expensive hunting falcons whose coops are marble palaces, I'm sure.

By the way, I have a stray rude thought: What is worn under those robes? Is it like scottish kilts? And why do the saudi guys meeting bush always remind me of The Sopranos?

Utah Savage said...

The Sopranos! Exactly! And why do all the Bushies remind me of the two hundred and twenty three stooges. This was really inspired. Ah caint tauk lak thiat withaut loosin mah mind purty quick. Now I'm bat shit crazy.

We should collaborate on a piece about the Poligs. I'm trying to be a little more polite. I have one reader who is on a soap box for protecting the poligs civil rights. He's sure polygamy will be legal soon, and it's a horrible abuse of all we hold sacred bla bla bla. This is the wizard. Every time I write about them or he reads my comments about them he goes all brainless and gets on his soapbox about our abusing the civil rights of those poor children who need to be with their families, and so on. He has probably never lived in Utah and is not really up on whose civil rights are being abused and why. What do you think? Shall we take on polygamy?

D.K. Raed said...

UT S: Why stop at 223? They are all stooges, and I'm sure they number far more than 223. Or maybe that is a reference to something I'm unfamiliar with. Isn't there a famous hotel room 223?

Re: Polygs ... I'm not blogging about them, mainly because they are all living only 50-miles away and it is 24/7 news around here. Let the wizard really go all brainless & visit one of the cult compounds. Oh right, if he's an older man, he would probably be quite satisfied with what's going on there. However, if you do a polyg post & are talking about the FLDS-cult-polygs, not polygamy as a concept or as it is practiced in other cultures like saudi arabia where it might be just a social option, I will be happy to back you up in your comments. Deal?

an average patriot said...

Just checking in! Bush shoud be saying Hey Buddy ya got a dime!

D.K. Raed said...

Hah, Avg Patriot! You got it! It was my pathetic attempt at humor! All the dimes and drops in world won't cover Bush's rapacious plunder. Hey, you've been busy blogging, I see, lurker that I am.

enigma4ever said...

it was not pathetic- it was damn funny- the sad part is that Nothing about King Asswipe is funny anymore.....and you have been lurking eh...nothing wrong with it all the time..

an average patriot said...

You were right on. It was just my attempt at humoring the situation but they both apply along with bail me out of the F*ng mess I created but Too Late!

Utah Savage said...

Dear D.K. You've been tagged. For the rules of this meme, come see me.

enigma4ever said...

oh good...DK be sure to put your Kung Fu and Cher photos with it ;-)

D.K. Raed said...

Generally I'm not good with rules, but I'll read them. This may require pay-back.

OK, Now this has got me intrigued. What kind of meme would require Kung Fu AND Cher?

enigma4ever said...

Okay...I am just kidding...kind of but it about your past..and I think those when you posted them before really showed alot about your a nice way....when you posted them and told pieces of your youth it was fascinating..and fun....oh my it was meant as a Compliment....I will slunk off now....never mind...